Been Awhile...

Wow - has it really been that long since my last post?

Well, I hope to make it up to you today...  I have a picture and a couple of songs to tell you about.  First off - the pic!

Look above the CONE!

Haunt Friends...  This should look REAL familiar to you...  One morning, a couple weeks ago, I decided to change up my route just a bit.  As I walked by this house, something caught the corner of my eye.  I did a double take, just in time to realize what I was looking at.  Pretty outstanding that this staff is sitting out on this porch so early in the year.

Now for my two songs...  You can check them out below in video form; or you can listen to them on my Knuckle Deep Soundtrack on Spotify.

It felt amazing to get back out there and walk today.  Thanks for the cheers and the continued support.  I'm going to do my best to not wait so long between visits anymore.

New Things!

Good morning!

Yeah - today was a day for trying new things..  I walked the farthest I ever did - 3.92 miles.  I gave jogging a shot near the end - I made it just about 1/10th mile before I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore (a LIGHT jog mind you).  Then, before my shower, I decided to do some push-ups and sit-ups.  Here comes the story...

First off - Push-Ups...  Fuck that!  I barely got to 10 before slaying myself out all over my living room floor.. My arms are going to fall off tomorrow morning as a sign of protest.

Next up "Sit"-Ups....

Let me tell you something friends...  What you call a sit up, and the fucking travesty I attempted this morning, are worlds apart.  I could barely get my fat belly to tighten, let alone actually fool myself by coming to an upright amalgam of actually "Sitting Up".  I did ten of my poor, sad attempts before feeling like throwing up...  Then I took a fucking shower.

My song of the day (which I added to my Knuckle Deep Soundtrack) can be heard below.

I have some great pictures waiting in the wings for me to dust them off and show them to you, but I will save those for another time yo!

A Special Visitor

This morning, while out on my walk, this song came on...

For those of you who don't know, a couple of my closest friends lost their baby girl the day she was born.  It was a horrible experience that we are all still reeling from.  They set up a website as a tribute to her, and I was able to add this song to the site as my own tribute to my dearly beloved niece, Molly.

My back was really hurting as I was walking today. So much so that it was making me want to stop, or cut the walk early.  I had a little over a mile to go when the song came on and about a minute into it,  I looked up to see today's photo...

At that moment, I knew that the message on the balloons was Molly, letting me know that she loved me.  I immediately felt better, stronger...  Like I could walk a million miles!  This little message made me cry.  It made me long for more time with my nieces and nephew that are still with me..  It made my heart break anew for my friends who lost their little girl.  It also made me happy to think that, somewhere out there, little Molly knows that I love her and that she loves me just the same.  If I could have reached those balloons, I would have sent them right back to her.  

I love and miss you Molly!  Thanks for paying me a special visit today.  

Now - With Bigger Dicks!

What makes an artist?  For that matter, what is art?

That is the question posed to me when I saw the artwork I decided to share with you today.  This picture that I took was inspired by a Facebook post of a similar nature that one of my nearest and dearest friends shared just the other day.

the picture he shared though, was of a less permanent nature.  When an artist considers her/his work, I would imagine that some thought goes into the medium they decide to work in.  Not being an artist myself, I imagine the conversation (in their head) might sound something like this... "Should I use pastels? Crayons?  Sharpie Markers - those are pretty permanent and cool?!  Or should I whittle something out of wood?"  Hurm...  Decisions, decisions...

The artist I decided to feature here today chose a medium that was a bit more permanent than those already discussed.  I must say that the decision "they" made was an impressive one.  They wanted to ensure that generations to come would be able to enjoy the fruits of their labor.

All of this being said....  Without further ado, I bring you a bonafide piece of art which YOU, dear reader can go experience anytime you like on Commonwealth Avenue here in the heart of Fullerton....

Impressive - NO?

I'm My Own DJ

One of the greatest things about filling a music player with music, is that every song that comes on  next should be one of your favorites.  Especially if that player has limited space available!

I feel this way every time I go for one of my walks.  Each song keeps me going a little farther and a little stronger.

I have added a couple of song choices to my Knuckle Deep Soundtrack Playlist today, just so you can see what keeps me going out there.

One of the songs that I added just might not show up for you, so I included a link for you to hear it below...


Also, this happened yesterday...  This bike has been locked up on this support cable for about three weeks.  Somebody finally decided to relieve it of its wheels and tires.  I simply burst out laughing.  Let this be a lesson to you...  Do not leave your bike unattended on a busy street in Fullerton for weeks on end.  This could be your bike!!  Bwahahahahaha!!!

One more thing.  Thanks so much for all of your kind words regarding my last post.  I was truly humbled by your heart-felt kindness and support.  You guys really are the best!

Reality Check

I apologize ahead of time for those of you who might find this post gross or offensive.

I debated back and forth whether I should post today's picture or not.  This debate has been an internal one.  Something I have asked for nobody's input on.

You see, I want to give you a complete insight into what it is I feel I am up against.  I am up against my years of apathy.  Years of indifference, and letting myself go.  It took a long time for me to learn to hate who I am, so it will take a long time for me to get overt it, change and come out on the other side for the better.  

Today, February 14th, 2013, I go on record as showing you who I really am.  What I have truly become.  I am a sum of my parts.  These parts, are for the most "part" pretty large and disgusting.  I am ashamed of what I have let myself become.  This is nobody's fault but my own.  I harbor no ill will towards anyone but myself.

I want to become a better person.  I want to look better.  I want to feel better.  I am in the opening volleys of taking baby steps to improve my quality of life.  It will take a long time.  I will suffer setbacks.  I will have days when I feed my fat face with Hagen Daaz ice cream.  I will feel guilty, and shame myself for doing so.

I will also achieve victories.  Shit, I walked three miles today on my bullshit bum right foot.  Sure I had to slow down a bit to accomplish the goal, but I persevered.  I did it.  Yawlp!  I'm fucking proud of that accomplishment.  Does it make me better than anyone else?  HELL NO!  It does make me better than me, which is something I want to do everyday.  I want to be better then me.

I will overcome.  I can do it.  I can improve for me and those around me.  Life might suck from time to time, however at the end of the day, it's only me who can make it better.

I am going on record today...  Showing you who / what I truly have become, and stating that it needs to get better.  I need to get better.  I want to.  I will.  It will be a long road, and the results will come slowly, but, by sticking to it, I can drag myself out of this funk, slim the fuck down, and feel better about myself.  Once I do that, then I can truly get on with my life.

The following picture is pretty gross, so once again, I apologize, and mean no offense.  I simply need to know that this is out there, publicly, and front-facing.  By this day next year, this picture needs to change.  How much of it needs to change is still out there, and I don;t have an answer for any of that right now.  But, suffice it to say - I need to take up less square footage of the mirror I stand in front of in one year.  That's for certain.  I can and will succeed. I have to, or else, I am dooming myself to an early grave, and my daughter to a longer period of her life without her dad.  That is something I can't allow to happen.  Nay - that is something I won't allow to happen.

I am also going on record, here today, that I am determined to begin playing Foot Hockey again by this time next year.  It was super fun when I used to play, and it was great exercise as well.  

Without further ado, It is my displeasure to introduce you to...

ME.

02/14/2013

Fuck You, Me!

Last night, I spent some time updating my "iPhone Music" Playlist.  

As I embarked on my morning walk today, the first thing that played was this...  

<PRESS PLAY BEFORE CONTINUING>

Everything  I felt yesterday melted right away once the guitar riff kicked in.  I mean...  LISTEN TO IT!!!  Say what you will about The Smashing Pumpkins and Billy Corgan, but FUCKING LISTEN TO IT!!!!  Oh man... *SIGH* I literally couldn't stop smiling.  

Thanks so much for all your kind words yesterday.  I will have good days (today) and bad days (yesterday), but at the end of all those days, at least I have people around me who give a fuck.  

So, enjoy "Pinwheels" by The Smashing Pumpkins.  It is my special gift for YOU today.  

I have a couple pictures I've been saving for you, so hang in there.  They're a comin'!

I'm also working on a special "A Knuckle Deep" Playlist for my Spotify folk, that will be like a working soundtrack for this headspace.  More info to come soon regarding that...

Get out there and get you some today yo!

Stay On Target

Defeated.

I hadn't gone on my walk in four days.  I hadn't written about walking on more than a week.

After dropping off my daughter, then putting in my earbuds this morning, those were the thoughts I started walking to.  

For the duration of my walk, they didn't get much better.  

Failure.

Every time I felt my shoulders creeping up towards my ears, I felt like a failure.  I listed them all out in front of me, how I half-ass my way through many things.  Circus of Ego.  My marriage.  Many of my job choices...   

I also though of a close friend and what he's going through right now.  

I cried.

Nope, friends ..  I don't really have anything uplifting to bring you today, other than I was able to stay focused on the task at hand, and complete my walk.  I hope to springboard off of today and keep on walking.  

Small Victories are what I need right now.  I'll leave you with this image I saw on my walk....  What a strange deal right there....

  

Gordon, how do you feel today?

...Best I've felt all year.

Before you continue to read today's update, it will help to put things into perspective if you hear the song of the day whilst reading...  Hit play on the video below, then read on!

Alrighty - are you listening?  Here goes...

I was hurting bad.  I've never had pain in my shins like I was experiencing today.  I wasn't even a mile in yet, but I felt like my lower legs were going to fall off...  I already had one cheer from my loving Facebook friends - Thanks by the way!, but it didn't seem to quell the pain.

Then - Hounds of Love comes on.  I didn't even know this song was on my phone!!  At once, the pain in my shins dispersed - vanished even!  I was able to carry on with a new confidence.  I adjusted my posture - I've been working on this in an attempt to tighten up my loose belly and stretch my neck - and kept on moving.

I did take a couple of pictures, however they need to wait friends, for the image of myself I had in my mind's eye was way more vivid, and considerably more important than any of the images I came across today.  What was that image you ask?

That's right...  Darth Fuckin' Maul!  I even acted out the scene where he was pacing, stalking, hunting in Episode 1, biding his time for the energy shield to lift so he could have it out with Obi Wan.... (whilst in reality waiting for a signal to change so I could safely cross the street).

So, yeah - I felt pretty bad ass on my walk today.

Thanks Kate!  Thanks Darth Maul!

I can't wait to share the pictures I took today...  I saw some pretty strange shit out there!

Bye for now!

Like the Honey Badger...

My shoe doesn't give a shit!  

That's right...  Today, almost a mile in, I was distracted by something below me.  Something was definitely catching my eye, but I tried to ignore it.   When I finally broke down and looked toward the source of this annoyance, my left shoelace had indeed come undone!  

Mother Fucker!

You have to understand something here at this point of the story.  Most of you who are reading this have a frame of reference for how big I am.  You also probably realize that in the past three weeks, I have done more physical activity than I have in the past three years.  All of this adds up to a dude who weighs over 320 pounds, and is one lethargic, inflexible mass of gross.  Tying my shoes is an ordeal on the best of days, however, compound this seemingly impossible task with the fact that my legs are completely cramped up (they really go for it at the beginning of the walk) and my inability to bend like a normal person, and you have me casually strolling along for at least a few more yards before I hear that little voice in my head...

"You wouldn't let your daughter walk around with her shoe untied, WOULD YOU?"  

So, it hurt like a sonofabitch, but I bent down, tied my shoe and carried on...  Yay me.  

See you soon!

Also - my soundtrack highlight today was Finished Symphony (Hybrid's Soundtrack Edit) by Hybrid.  I first fell in love with this music when I unlocked the "Untracked" Level in SSX (a snowboarding game that was a launch title for the PS2 in 2000).  You can hear the song here...  Enjoy!

  

  

First Timer!

Prelude (or what the fuck is this guy writing about?)

Check it....  I am filled with this overwhelming desire to be in my daughter's life, and let's face it - you all are correct.  Given my current state of fitness, I'm dooming myself to an early grave.  

Meat Of The Matter.

So, as a start on my "road to a better life", I decided; three Mondays ago to begin walking.  I walk my kid to school everyday, and I figured I could just go ahead and keep walking after I dropped her off.  I armed myself with a new fitness app on my phone, a bunch of music, my earbuds, and I was off.  As I was walking, I began to notice my surroundings...  Different things at different times, on different days.  All of it very interesting to me.  You may have seen my post of the bear on Facebook from the first week.  As I continued walking, an idea began to grow in my head.  This idea right here.  A Knuckle Deep.

On this adventure (if you care to join me), I will take you a knuckle deep into my world, and attempt to share with you what goes on in my head while I'm walking.  Some days, this space will be vacant.  I will simply have nothing to share with you.  Other days, it may be an image - like the one above.  Other days, I will share a thought I had, or maybe song that came on that affected me in a certain way.

I tell you this - today's introductory post should be the longest for sure.

So join me on this journey, come along!